Your kid's been on the bench for three quarters. You're gripping your travel mug like you're trying to strangle it. The halftime conversation in your head has already gone through four drafts, and none of them end well.
You want to march over to the coach after the game and say something. You've earned that right, haven't you? You drove 45 minutes. You paid the registration fee. Your kid is clearly good enough. Something isn't adding up.
But here's the move that will actually help your kid, and it's the one that feels the most unnatural: let them handle it.
Why Your Instinct to Step In Makes It Worse
Every parent who's watched their kid ride the bench knows the urge. You want to advocate. You want to protect. You want answers. And those instincts come from a genuinely good place.
But when you walk up to a coach and ask about your kid's playing time, here's what actually happens. The coach gets defensive. Your kid gets embarrassed. The other parents notice. And your child learns that when things get hard, someone else will fix it for them.
That's not the lesson you're going for.
Coaches hear from parents about playing time constantly. It's the number one source of conflict in youth sports, and almost every coach has a wall up before the conversation even starts. The message lands differently when it comes from the player. A kid who approaches their coach and says "what can I work on to earn more time?" gets a completely different response than a parent who says "why isn't my kid playing more?"
One sounds like a competitor. The other sounds like a complaint.
The Script Your Kid Can Actually Use
Most kids don't avoid talking to their coach because they don't care. They avoid it because they have no idea what to say. The conversation feels enormous in their head. They imagine confrontation, awkwardness, getting benched even more.
Your job is to shrink it down to size. Here's a script you can practice with them at home.
The opener: "Coach, can I talk to you for a minute after practice?"
That's it. Not before the game. Not in front of teammates. After practice, one on one. Timing matters.
The question: "I want to earn more playing time. What should I be working on?"
This framing does two things. It shows the coach that your kid is coachable and motivated. And it puts the ball in the coach's court to give specific, actionable feedback instead of a vague "just keep working hard."
The follow-up: "Thanks, Coach. I'll work on that."
Then they actually work on it. And the next week, they come back and show the coach they listened. That cycle, ask, listen, apply, is how kids earn trust with coaches at every level. It's also how they learn to advocate for themselves in situations that have nothing to do with sports.
What to Do With Your Hands While This Happens
The hardest part for you isn't teaching your kid the script. It's staying out of it once they've used it.
You're going to want to follow up. You're going to want to ask the coach if the conversation happened. You're going to want to check whether the feedback was "fair." Resist all of it.
If your kid comes home and says "Coach told me I need to be more aggressive on defense," your job is to say "that's great that you asked" and help them work on it. Not to analyze whether the coach is right. Not to call another parent and compare notes. Just support the process.
If nothing changes after a few weeks and your kid has genuinely done the work, then a calm, respectful parent conversation with the coach might be appropriate. But that's the last step, not the first one. And even then, the tone should be "my kid has been working on what you suggested and I want to make sure we're on the right track," not "why isn't this fixed yet?"
What Your Kid Gains From This (Beyond Minutes on the Field)
Playing time conversations feel small. They're not.
A 10-year-old who learns to walk up to an authority figure, ask a hard question, and handle the answer with maturity is building a skill that will outlast every sport they ever play. That's a college student who can talk to a professor. A young adult who can navigate a tough conversation with a boss. A person who doesn't need someone else to fight their battles.
You're not just helping your kid get off the bench. You're teaching them that their voice works. That they can feel nervous and do it anyway. That advocating for yourself is a skill you practice, not a talent you're born with.
That's worth more than any minutes on the field.
The Conversation With Yourself
Before you hand your kid a script, check in with yourself. Are you upset about the playing time because your kid is upset? Or are you upset because you're upset?
If your kid is genuinely frustrated and wants more opportunity, this approach gives them the tools to go get it. If your kid is fine sitting on the bench and you're the one keeping score, the playing time conversation you need to have might be with yourself.
Either way, the next time you're white-knuckling a travel mug on the sideline, take a breath. Your kid is more capable of handling this than you think. Give them the words, give them the confidence, and then give them the space to use both.
Ian Goldberg is the CEO of Signature Media and the Editor of the largest and fastest growing sports parenting newsletter. He's been recognized as an industry expert by the National Alliance for Youth Sports, the US Olympic Committee's Truesport, and the Aspen Institute's Project Play. Ian is also a suburban NJ sports dad of two teenage daughters and has over 2,000 hours of volunteer time coaching them (which he calls the most fun form of R&D for his newsletter content). Ian and his team provide players, coaches, parents and program directors with the articles and content they need to have a great sports season. Ian has spent most of his career in digital product development and marketing and got his start at the White House where he worked for the economic advisors to two US Presidents.
