Before the game, you ask your kid what their goal is. They say what every kid says: "Win."
Makes sense. That's the point, right? Score more than the other team. Go home happy.
But here's the problem with "win the game" as a goal: your kid can play the best game of their life and still lose. They can hustle, execute, make great decisions, do everything right, and the other team can just be better that day. Or the ref can blow a call. Or the ball can bounce wrong. Or a teammate can have an off game.
When the goal is winning and they don't win, all that effort feels like failure. Even when it wasn't.
And when the goal is winning and they do win? Sometimes they played terribly and just got lucky. They learn nothing. They improve nothing. But hey, they "achieved their goal."
Winning isn't a bad thing to want. But it's a terrible thing to focus on. Because it's not actually in your kid's control.
The Problem With Outcome Goals
"Win the game" is what's called an outcome goal. It's about the end result, the thing that shows up on the scoreboard, the thing you either achieve or you don't.
Outcome goals feel motivating. They're clear. They're measurable. But they have a fatal flaw: they depend on factors outside your control.
Your kid can't control how the other team plays. They can't control referee decisions. They can't control the weather, the field conditions, or whether their teammate shows up ready to compete. They can only control themselves.
When kids focus on outcomes they can't control, a few things happen. They get anxious because the goal feels precarious. They get frustrated when external factors interfere. They start to associate their self-worth with things that aren't really about them. And when they lose despite playing well, they feel like failures anyway.
That's not a recipe for development. That's a recipe for stress.
The Goals That Actually Work
The alternative isn't to stop caring about winning. It's to shift focus to the things that lead to winning, the things your kid can actually control.
There are two types of goals that do this well: process goals and performance goals.
Process goals are about actions and behaviors. They're the "what I'm going to do" goals. Things like: "I'm going to communicate with my teammates on defense." "I'm going to follow through on every shot." "I'm going to stay positive even if I make a mistake."
Process goals are 100% within your kid's control. They don't depend on the opponent, the score, or the outcome. They can be achieved regardless of whether the team wins or loses.
Performance goals are about personal benchmarks. They're measurable, but they're about your kid's own performance, not the competition. Things like: "I'm going to make 3 out of 5 free throws." "I'm going to beat my personal best time." "I'm going to complete more passes than I did last game."
Performance goals add a layer of challenge without handing control to external factors. Your kid is competing against themselves, not circumstances.
Why This Shift Matters
When kids focus on process and performance instead of outcomes, something changes.
They start noticing improvement even in losses. "We lost, but I communicated way better on defense than last time." That's real progress. That's something to build on. That's a reason to feel good even when the scoreboard doesn't cooperate.
They feel less anxious before games. When the goal is "win," there's pressure before the whistle even blows. When the goal is "stay aggressive and keep my head up after mistakes," the pressure is different. It's about effort, not results. And effort is manageable.
They develop a growth mindset. Kids who focus on process learn to see challenges as opportunities. They're not devastated by setbacks because setbacks don't mean failure. They mean information. What can I do better next time?
They actually get better faster. Ironically, focusing less on winning often leads to more winning. Because when kids focus on the process, they're focusing on the things that drive improvement. And improvement leads to results.
How to Help Your Kid Set Better Goals
You don't need to sit down with a whiteboard and give a lecture on goal-setting theory. This can be simple.
Before games, ask different questions. Instead of "Are you gonna win today?" try "What's one thing you want to focus on?" or "What do you want to do better than last game?" This naturally shifts their attention to process and performance.
After games, praise the right things. Instead of "Great win!" try "I noticed you kept talking to your teammates the whole game. That was awesome." Instead of "Tough loss," try "You stayed so composed out there. That's not easy."
Help them pick one thing. Young athletes don't need five goals. They need one. Maybe two. "What's the one thing you're working on this game?" Keep it simple and specific.
Debrief based on their goals, not the score. After the game, ask: "How did you do on the thing you were focusing on?" This reinforces that the goal mattered, regardless of the outcome.
The Scoreboard Still Matters (Kind Of)
This isn't about pretending winning doesn't matter. It does. Competition is real. Wanting to win is healthy. Scoreboard watching doesn't make your kid a bad sport.
The point is that winning isn't a good focal point. It's a byproduct. When your kid focuses on playing well, making good decisions, executing skills, and competing hard, winning takes care of itself more often than not.
And when it doesn't? When they do everything right and still lose? They can walk away knowing they achieved their actual goal. They can feel proud of what they controlled. They can learn from the experience without feeling like a failure.
That's what sports are supposed to teach. Not that winning is everything. But that focusing on what you can control, giving your best effort, and measuring yourself against your own growth is the path to both success and satisfaction.
The Long Game
Kids who grow up chasing "win the game" often burn out or lose their love of competition. The pressure gets exhausting. The losses feel personal. The sport becomes about proving something instead of enjoying something.
Kids who grow up focusing on process and performance tend to stick with sports longer. They develop resilience. They learn to handle adversity. They understand that progress isn't linear and that bad days don't define them.
They also tend to become better athletes. Because they're focused on getting better, not just getting wins.
You can help your kid make this shift. Not by telling them winning doesn't matter (they won't believe you anyway). But by asking different questions. Praising different things. Helping them see that the scoreboard is just one measure, and usually not the most important one.
Next time your kid has a game, try it. Ask them: "What's one thing you're going to focus on today?"
See what happens when the goal isn't "win." It might surprise both of you.
