The ball goes through their legs. The free throw rims out. They trip at the finish line. They miss the wide-open shot.
In the two seconds after a mistake, your kid's brain is doing something important: it's assigning meaning.
Option A: "I'm bad at this. Everyone saw. I'm embarrassed. I don't want to try again."
Option B: "That didn't work. Okay. What can I do differently next time?"
Same mistake. Two completely different responses. And which one your kid defaults to isn't random. It's learned.
The way you talk about mistakes at home, long before game day, shapes how your kid processes failure when it happens. You can't prevent mistakes. But you can teach your kid that mistakes aren't verdicts. They're feedback.
Why Mistakes Feel Like Emergencies
For a lot of kids, mistakes feel catastrophic. Not because the stakes are actually high, but because they've absorbed a belief that mistakes mean something is wrong with them.
This belief comes from everywhere. Coaches who show frustration when players mess up. Teammates who groan at errors. Sidelines that go quiet after a missed shot. Social media highlight reels that only show success. A culture that celebrates winning and hides the stumbles it took to get there.
Kids internalize all of it. And without a counter-narrative, they start to believe that good athletes don't make mistakes. Which means when they make one, they must not be good.
This is the opposite of how skill development actually works. Learning requires mistakes. Improvement requires failure. Every athlete who's ever been great has a long history of getting it wrong before they got it right.
But knowing that intellectually doesn't help when you're ten years old and you just cost your team the game. The feeling is overwhelming. The meaning gets assigned fast. And the wrong meaning can stick for years.
The Feedback Reframe
Here's the mindset shift that changes everything: mistakes aren't proof of failure. They're information.
When something doesn't work, it tells you something. Your approach was off. Your timing was wrong. Your preparation wasn't quite there. Your technique needs adjustment.
That's not judgment. That's data.
Athletes who learn to see mistakes as feedback don't spiral after errors. They get curious. "What happened there? What can I try next time? What does this tell me about what I need to work on?"
This isn't natural for most kids. It has to be taught. And the best classroom is home, where the stakes are low and the conversations can be calm.
What You Say Matters More Than You Think
Your kid is watching how you react to their mistakes. And they're watching how you react to your own.
If you get visibly frustrated when they mess up, they learn that mistakes are bad.
If you immediately try to fix or explain the mistake, they learn that mistakes need to be justified or corrected as quickly as possible.
If you pretend the mistake didn't happen, they learn that mistakes are shameful and shouldn't be acknowledged.
But if you stay calm, get curious, and treat the mistake as useful information, they learn that mistakes are normal, survivable, and even valuable.
The script is simpler than you think.
After a mistake in a game:
"That one got away from you. What do you think happened?"
Not accusatory. Just curious. Let them process it. Let them identify what went wrong. Resist the urge to jump in with your analysis.
When they're beating themselves up:
"Mistakes are part of the game. Every single player out there made mistakes today. The question isn't whether you mess up. It's what you do next."
Normalize it. Zoom out. Remind them that mistakes are universal, not personal.
When they want to avoid trying again:
"I get it. That didn't feel good. But here's the thing: the only way to get better at this is to keep trying. The mistake just showed you what to work on."
Connect the mistake to growth. Make trying again feel like the path forward, not a risk to avoid.
Modeling Matters Even More
Kids learn more from what you do than what you say. Which means your relationship with your own mistakes is teaching them constantly.
When you mess up in front of your kid, what do you do?
If you get frustrated, make excuses, or pretend it didn't happen, that's the model they absorb.
If you say something like, "Well, that didn't work. Let me try a different approach," you're showing them in real time how to process failure.
Narrate your own mistakes out loud. It feels awkward at first, but it's powerful.
"I burned dinner. That's annoying, but it happens. I had the heat too high. I'll adjust next time."
"I was late to pick you up. I should have left earlier. I'll set a reminder next time so I don't cut it that close."
"I lost my temper earlier. That wasn't okay. I'm going to work on staying calmer when I'm stressed."
Your kid is watching. Show them that adults make mistakes too. Show them that mistakes don't require shame. Show them that the response to failure is adjustment, not collapse.
The Language of Feedback
Small shifts in language make a big difference. Here are some swaps that reinforce the "mistakes = feedback" mindset:
Instead of: "You messed up." Try: "That one didn't go the way you wanted. What happened?"
Instead of: "Why did you do that?" Try: "What were you trying to do there?"
Instead of: "You need to stop making that mistake." Try: "That keeps happening. Let's figure out why and what to try differently."
Instead of: "It's fine, don't worry about it." Try: "It's okay to be frustrated. Mistakes are how we learn what to work on."
Instead of: "You should have..." Try: "Next time, you might try..."
The goal is to keep the conversation open, curious, and forward-looking. Shame closes kids down. Curiosity opens them up.
Creating a Mistake-Friendly Home
Beyond individual conversations, you can build a family culture where mistakes are genuinely okay.
Talk about famous failures. Michael Jordan got cut from his high school varsity team. J.K. Rowling was rejected by twelve publishers. The list of successful people who failed spectacularly before succeeding is endless. Share these stories. Make failure part of the success narrative.
Share your own mistakes at dinner. Some families do "highs and lows" at the table. Consider adding "something I messed up today and what I learned." When parents share first, kids feel safer sharing too.
Praise the recovery, not just the success. When your kid makes a mistake and bounces back, name it. "I saw you shake off that error and get right back in the game. That's not easy. That's a skill."
Avoid perfectionism language. Phrases like "be perfect out there" or "don't mess up" create pressure that makes mistakes feel worse. Replace them with process-focused language: "Play hard. Stay focused. Have fun."
Let them struggle. When your kid is working on something difficult, resist the urge to rescue them. Struggle is where learning happens. Swooping in to prevent failure also prevents growth.
The Long Game
How your kid handles mistakes at ten affects how they handle setbacks at twenty. And thirty. And beyond.
Athletes who learn that mistakes are feedback become adults who can take risks, handle rejection, and persist through challenges. They don't crumble when things go wrong because they never learned that wrong meant worthless.
This is one of the greatest gifts sports can give: a safe environment to fail, learn, and try again. But that gift only lands if the adults around the athlete reinforce it.
The coach can help. The teammates can help. But the foundation is built at home, in the thousands of small moments where your kid messes up and watches to see how you react.
Stay calm. Get curious. Treat the mistake as data, not disaster.
That's the lesson. And it lasts a lifetime.
Ian Goldberg is the CEO of Signature Media and the Editor of the largest and fastest growing sports parenting newsletter. He's been recognized as an industry expert by the National Alliance for Youth Sports, the US Olympic Committee's Truesport, and the Aspen Institute's Project Play. Ian is also a suburban NJ sports dad of two teenage daughters and has over 2,000 hours of volunteer time coaching them (which he calls the most fun form of R&D for his newsletter content). Ian and his team provide players, coaches, parents and program directors with the articles and content they need to have a great sports season. Ian has spent most of his career in digital product development and marketing and got his start at the White House where he worked for the economic advisors to two US Presidents.
