As a sport parent, I'm sure you can relate to feeling the highs of watching your child excel, and the lows of watching those games where nothing goes right. All parents seem to experience some stress from time to time watching their children play. If this sounds like you, you're not alone.
Here are five common stressors nearly all sports parents experience and what you can do about them:
1. "My son is so hard on himself. No matter what, he only focuses on his mistakes—even if the team won!"
Very competitive athletes who have high expectations can be their biggest critics. This often leads to a lack of objectivity when evaluating performance. They lose sight of focusing on the positives and often lose an opportunity to learn and grow.
Try these tips:
- Encourage a "Good, Better, How" reflection after games. Tell him to think about or write down what was good about the game, what he can do better next time, and how he'll do better.
- Explain that high expectations are helpful. They provide motivation and focus. The key is keeping them helpful by letting go of mistakes and failures after games and refocusing on a plan to try to reach those expectations next time.
- Model objectivity after each game. If you offer comments, stay focused on the process, not just the outcome.
2. "I don't want to be 'that parent' who always questions the coach, but…"
All parents feel this way at some point. Often, it comes from lack of communication between parent and coach.
Try these tips:
- Talk to your child first (depending on the issue). Ask what information the coach gave her about switching her position, for example. Ask how that conversation went and what she thinks of it. You might learn a lot—or you might learn that your daughter is in the dark, too.
- Schedule a time to talk with the coach. Email him/her in a non-confrontational way. Keep it brief and be polite. You and the coach are on the same team.
- When you speak with the coach, listen and learn. You're there to voice your concern, but most importantly, to understand his/her process and decisions.
- If you have a real problem, engage in a composed discussion. You certainly have a right to your opinion and you want to protect your child, but remember, the coach calls the shots. (If you truly disagree with a coach's decisions and fundamental coaching style, it might be time to consider switching teams.)
- Use these meetings to reduce your stress. Often, understanding the reasoning behind coach decisions alleviates a lot of frustration.
3. "I know this means a lot to him, but after a bad game, my son lashes out at me and I don't know what to do about it."
Unfortunately, this is not uncommon. After games, emotions run high and athletes often use parents as an outlet. This can lead to a lot of tense car rides!
Try these tips:
- Wait until emotions are low. Much later in the evening, calmly say, "I want to have a conversation about what happened after your game."
- Talk about what he was feeling, and why. Understand that emotions are part of sports and have an honest conversation about it.
- Normalize the emotions, but address the behavior. Perhaps even commend his competitive spirit, but make it clear that the resultant behavior is not acceptable. Talk through other options for how to respond to those intense emotions.
- Encourage objective evaluation. Talk about focusing on the process of the game and being objective when evaluating his play (what did he do well, what needs work?).
- Be clear with consequences. Make sure he understands what will happen if he continues to be disrespectful.
4. "Sometimes I can't even watch when my daughter is on the free throw line; I'm just too nervous."
If I had a nickel for every time I sat in the stands and saw parents cover their eyes! No matter how nervous or excited you get as a spectator, remember that your child is keenly aware of what you do and say in the stands. Demonstrate confidence in your child!
Try these tips:
- Keep things in perspective. As invested as you might feel, your role is to be her support system.
- Take a deep breath and focus on the process. Pay attention to what she's doing and pick out something she's doing well that you can talk to her about after the game.
- Focus on more than just the result. It's not only about if she makes the free throw, but about her process leading up to it and how she handles herself after.
- Use a little self-talk! Tell yourself, "She's done this before, she can do it again. No matter what, I'm her biggest supporter." She'll notice you're watching!
And there’s one stressor almost every parent feels, even if they rarely admit it out loud.
5. "We pay thousands of dollars and spend hours driving to practices and games, and then my kid doesn't even give their best effort."
This might be one of the most frustrating situations for parents. You've invested the time, money, and energy—shuttling them to practices, trainings, games, and tournaments—and then they show up mentally checked out or give half-hearted effort. It's hard not to feel resentful or wonder if it's all worth it.
Try these tips:
- Have a calm conversation about commitment. Ask your child what they want from the sport. Are they still enjoying it? Do they want to keep playing? Sometimes lack of effort signals burnout or that their priorities have shifted.
- Separate your investment from their experience. Yes, you're investing time and money, but remind yourself that this is ultimately their journey, not yours. The goal is for them to learn and grow, not to justify your expenses.
- Talk about respect—for the team, the coach, and themselves. Even if they're not feeling it that day, showing up with effort is about respecting everyone involved, including their teammates who are counting on them.
- Set clear expectations about effort. Make it clear that you're not expecting perfection, but you are expecting them to give their best while they're there. If they can't commit to that, it might be time to re-evaluate whether they should continue.
- Explore what's behind the lack of effort. Are they overwhelmed with school? Dealing with something socially? Sometimes what looks like lack of effort is actually a kid who's mentally or emotionally tapped out. Get curious before you get frustrated.
- Consider taking a break. If the sport has become a source of stress for everyone involved, it might be time to step back for a season and reassess. Sports should add value to your child's life, not drain it.
Being a sport parent can be extremely rewarding and very tough. Just know that you are not alone in all the highs and lows you experience in this role. Try to use these tips to make your job a little easier, and your experiences in the stands—or in the car driving home!—a little more enjoyable.
By: Emily Galvin, CMPC, Summit Performance Consulting, LLC
Emily Galvin is a certified mental performance consultant and co-founder of Summit Performance Consulting, LLC. Her company helps athletes, coaches, parents, and business professionals elevate their performance from good to great with tailored mental toughness training.
