Watch any girls' soccer game, basketball practice, or volleyball match, and you'll hear it constantly:
"Sorry!" "Oh my gosh, sorry!" "Sorry, that was my fault!"
A bobbled pass? Sorry. A missed shot? Sorry. Someone else ran into them? Still sorry.
Meanwhile, over on the boys' field, a kid boots the ball into the parking lot and just shrugs.
If you've noticed your daughter apologizing for everything on the field or court, you're not imagining it. And while it might seem like good manners, this constant apologizing is actually holding her back as an athlete.
The Problem with Over-Apologizing
Here's what happens when girls apologize after every mistake: it undermines their confidence, makes them second-guess themselves, and signals to teammates (and coaches) that they're not sure of themselves.
Think about it. When your daughter says "sorry" after a bad pass, what's she really communicating? That she messed up? Her teammates already know that—they saw it happen. What the apology actually communicates is uncertainty and a lack of confidence in her abilities.
And in competitive sports, confidence isn't optional. It's essential.
Why Girls Apologize More
Your daughter isn't apologizing because she makes more mistakes than the boys. She's apologizing because she's been getting mixed messages her entire life about how she's supposed to show up:
- Be confident... but not cocky.
- Be smart... but don't be a know-it-all.
- Be ambitious... but don't try too hard.
- Be assertive... but only if it doesn't upset anyone.
It's exhausting just reading that list, let alone trying to navigate it at 12 years old.
Girls learn early that being liked matters. A lot. And they worry (often correctly) that making mistakes, being too loud, or seeming too sure of themselves might make people like them less. So they apologize. A lot. It's their way of saying, "I know I messed up, please don't think less of me."
The problem? In sports, you need to move past mistakes immediately. There's no time for a self-confidence referendum after every error.
What Your Daughter Should Say Instead
The good news: this is fixable. Your daughter doesn't need therapy or a complete personality overhaul. She just needs different words.
Here are three alternatives that acknowledge the mistake without undermining her confidence:
"My bad" Short, confident, owns the mistake without the emotional weight of an apology.
"I got it next time" Even better—it's forward-looking and shows she's already moved on mentally.
"On me" Super quick, takes responsibility, keeps the energy moving.
These phrases do everything an apology does (acknowledging the mistake, showing she cares about the team) without the confidence-killing aftermath.
How Parents and Coaches Can Help
For Parents:
Start noticing when your daughter apologizes unnecessarily—not just in sports, but everywhere. In the car, at dinner, with friends. Once you start listening for it, you'll be amazed how often it happens.
When you catch it, gently point it out: "You don't need to apologize for that. Everyone makes mistakes in practice—that's why it's called practice."
Model the behavior yourself. If you're constantly saying sorry for minor things, she's learning from you. Try using those same alternatives in your own life.
Most importantly: celebrate her confidence, not just her kindness. When she owns a mistake without apologizing, tell her you noticed. "I loved how you just moved on after that error—that's what great athletes do."
For Coaches:
Make it a team culture thing. Talk about it explicitly: "In this gym, we don't apologize for mistakes. We say 'my bad' and move on. Mistakes are part of getting better."
When you hear excessive apologizing during practice, stop play for a second: "Sarah, you just made a great aggressive play that didn't work out. No sorry needed. Try it again."
Praise the girls who move on quickly from mistakes without apologizing. Make confident mistake recovery a valued skill, just like passing or shooting.
The Bigger Picture
This isn't really about the word "sorry." It's about helping your daughter develop the mental toughness that sports are supposed to build. It's about teaching her that mistakes are information, not character flaws.
When she learns to move past mistakes on the field without apologizing, something interesting happens: that confidence shows up in the classroom, with friends, and eventually in job interviews and boardrooms.
The girl who can miss a shot, say "I got it next time," and actually believe it? That girl is going places.
So the next time you hear your daughter say sorry after a mistake, you'll know exactly what to do. And more importantly, she will too.
Ian Goldberg is the CEO of Signature Media and the Editor of the largest and fastest growing sports parenting newsletter. He’s been recognized as an industry expert by the National Alliance for Youth Sports, the US Olympic Committee’s Truesport, and the Aspen Institute's Project Play. Ian is also a suburban NJ sports dad of two teenage daughters and has over 2,000 hours of volunteer time coaching them (which he calls the most fun form of R&D for his newsletter content). Ian and his team provide players, coaches, parents and program directors with the articles and content they need to have a great sports season. Ian has spent most of his career in digital product development and marketing and got his start at the White House where he worked for the economic advisors to two US Presidents.
