Your child used to love game day. They'd wake up excited, count down the hours, bounce around the house with anticipation. Now they're quiet on the drive. Anxious before warmups. Devastated after mistakes. The sport they once couldn't get enough of has become a source of dread.
Something shifted. And you're not sure when it happened or what to do about it.
This is the conversation program directors are increasingly being pulled into. Not because you're therapists. You're not. But because parents are looking for guidance, and you're often the first person they turn to when they notice their child struggling. They want to know if what they're seeing is normal. They want to know if they're making it worse. They want to know when it's time to get help.
The youth mental health crisis isn't separate from youth sports. It shows up in sport contexts constantly: anxiety before competition, perfectionism that turns every mistake into catastrophe, identity so wrapped up in performance that a bad game feels like a bad life. These patterns are everywhere, and they're showing up earlier than ever.
You don't need to become a clinician. But you do need to help parents recognize what they're seeing, understand their role in it, and know when to seek professional support. That's the conversation this article prepares you to have.
What Parents Are Seeing
The signs show up differently in different kids, but the patterns are recognizable.
Pre-competition anxiety that exceeds the stakes. Some nerves before a game are normal. Productive, even. But when a child is losing sleep, feeling physically sick, or experiencing panic symptoms before routine competitions, something deeper is happening. The fear has become disproportionate to the actual situation.
Perfectionism that makes mistakes unbearable. Every athlete makes mistakes. Healthy athletes recover and move on. But some kids can't let go. One error ruins the entire game in their mind. They replay it obsessively. They punish themselves with negative self-talk that would be cruel if anyone else said it to them. The standard they hold themselves to is impossible, and every failure to meet it confirms their worst fears about themselves.
All-or-nothing thinking. "If I don't play perfectly, I'm terrible." "If we don't win, the whole season was pointless." "If I'm not the best, I'm nothing." This binary thinking leaves no room for growth, learning, or normal human variation. Everything becomes pass/fail, and failure feels existential.
Identity collapse when performance struggles. Some kids have tied their entire sense of self to their sport. They're not a person who plays soccer. They are soccer. When performance dips, they don't just feel disappointed. They feel worthless. The sport has become their only source of identity, and losing it, even temporarily, feels like losing themselves.
Physical symptoms without physical cause. Stomachaches before practice. Headaches on game day. Fatigue that doesn't match their activity level. When doctors find nothing wrong, the body is often expressing what the mind can't articulate.
Withdrawal from things they used to enjoy. The kid who used to stay late at practice now looks for reasons to leave early. The kid who watched game film for fun now avoids anything related to the sport. Loss of joy is a warning sign that shouldn't be ignored.
Parents often notice these patterns but don't know what to make of them. They wonder if they're overreacting. They wonder if this is just "being competitive." They wonder if pushing through is the answer or the problem.
How Parents Accidentally Make It Worse
This is the hardest part of the conversation. Most parents causing harm are doing so with good intentions. They're trying to help. They're trying to motivate. They just don't realize the impact.
The car ride interrogation. "What happened on that play?" "Why didn't you shoot?" "You seemed off today, what's going on?" The drive home becomes a performance review. Kids learn that the first thing waiting after every game is analysis of what went wrong. The pressure extends beyond the field.
Living vicariously. Some parents experience their child's performance as their own success or failure. Their emotional state rises and falls with every game. The child feels this, even when nothing is said explicitly. They're carrying their parent's happiness, not just their own performance.
Comparisons to other kids. "Did you see how hard Jayden was working?" "Emma's really improved this season." Even well-meaning comparisons plant seeds of inadequacy. The child hears: you're not enough as you are.
Focusing on outcomes over effort. "Did you win?" before "Did you have fun?" "How many goals?" before "How did you feel?" The questions parents ask signal what they value. When outcomes dominate, kids learn that results are what matter, not the experience.
Minimizing or dismissing feelings. "You're fine, it's just a game." "Stop being so dramatic." "Shake it off." These responses teach kids that their feelings are wrong or unwelcome. They learn to hide their struggles rather than share them.
Overinvestment in the sport. The family schedule revolves entirely around athletics. Vacations are tournaments. Weekends are games. Conversations are stats and recruiting. The child has no identity outside the sport because the family has given them no space to develop one.
Parents don't need to be perfect. But they do need to understand that their words, questions, and emotional reactions shape their child's relationship with competition. Awareness is the first step.
What Parents Can Do Instead
The alternative isn't passive indifference. It's engaged support that keeps perspective intact.
Ask different questions after games. "Did you have fun?" "What was the best part?" "Did you give good effort?" These questions signal that joy and process matter, not just results. Save technical feedback for practice, if it's needed at all.
Separate love from performance. Make it explicit and constant: "I love watching you play. Win or lose, good game or bad game, that doesn't change." Kids need to hear that their worth isn't contingent on their performance. Say it often enough that they might actually believe it.
Model healthy reactions to failure. How do you respond when your child makes a mistake? If your body language screams disappointment, they'll feel it regardless of what you say. Practice responding to errors the way you'd want them to: with perspective, composure, and focus on what's next.
Protect space outside the sport. Make sure your child has interests, friendships, and identity beyond athletics. If sports disappeared tomorrow, would they know who they are? The kids most vulnerable to performance-based mental health struggles are the ones with the narrowest identities.
Validate feelings before fixing them. When your child is upset, resist the urge to immediately solve or minimize. "That sounds really frustrating" before "Here's what you could do differently." Let them feel heard before moving to solutions.
Watch for your own investment level. Check yourself honestly: How much of your emotional state depends on your child's performance? If you're devastated after their losses, anxious before their games, or irritable when they struggle, that's data about your relationship with their sport that deserves reflection.
When It's More Than Parents Can Handle
Some situations require professional help. Parents need to know the signs that indicate it's time to involve a therapist, counselor, or sports psychologist.
Persistent changes in mood or behavior. Not a bad day after a tough loss. A pattern that lasts weeks. Withdrawal, irritability, sadness, or anxiety that doesn't lift.
Physical symptoms without medical explanation. When doctors have ruled out physical causes and symptoms persist, mental health evaluation is warranted.
Statements about worthlessness or self-harm. Any indication that a child feels worthless, hopeless, or is thinking about hurting themselves requires immediate professional attention. This is not a wait-and-see situation.
Disordered eating patterns. Changes in eating, whether restriction, binging, or obsession with body composition tied to performance, warrant professional evaluation. Eating disorders are serious and common in athletic populations.
Inability to function normally. When anxiety or distress interferes with school, friendships, sleep, or daily activities beyond sports, professional support is needed.
Your own sense that something is wrong. Parents know their kids. If your gut says this is more than normal stress, trust that instinct and seek evaluation.
The goal isn't to diagnose from the sidelines. It's to recognize when the situation has exceeded what normal parental support can address. Getting help early produces better outcomes than waiting until crisis.
The Role of the Program
As a program director, you're not responsible for providing mental health services. But you are positioned to shape the conversation.
Normalize the topic. Mention mental health in your parent communications. Include it in your parent meeting. Signal that this is something your program takes seriously and that parents can talk about without stigma.
Provide resources. Have a list of local sports psychologists, therapists who work with young athletes, and crisis resources available. When a parent comes to you with concerns, you can point them somewhere helpful.
Train coaches to recognize signs. Coaches spend more time with athletes than almost anyone outside their family. They often notice changes before parents do. Basic training on what to watch for and how to respond, usually by alerting parents and program leadership, makes a difference.
Model the right values. When your program culture emphasizes effort over outcomes, development over winning, and whole-person wellbeing over athletic achievement, it creates an environment where performance pressure has less room to take root.
Check your own messaging. Look at how your program talks about competition, success, and achievement. Are you inadvertently feeding the pressures you're trying to counter? What signals are you sending about what matters?
The Conversation to Have With Parents
When a parent comes to you concerned about their child's mental state around sports, here's how to respond:
Listen first. Let them describe what they're seeing without jumping to conclusions or solutions. Validate that their concern is worth taking seriously.
Ask clarifying questions. How long has this been happening? Is it specific to sports or showing up elsewhere? What seems to trigger it? What have they tried?
Share what you've observed, if relevant. If you or coaches have noticed anything, add that context. But be careful not to diagnose or alarm.
Provide perspective. Normalize that performance pressure is common in youth sports and that many kids go through difficult phases. But also validate that persistent struggles deserve attention.
Suggest resources. If the situation seems beyond normal stress, recommend they consult a professional. Have your resource list ready. A sports psychologist isn't just for elite athletes. They work with kids at every level who are struggling with the mental side of competition.
Follow up. Check in with the parent a few weeks later. Ask how things are going. Continued attention signals that the program cares and that the parent isn't alone.
The Bigger Picture
Youth sports should add to kids' lives, not consume them. It should build resilience, not anxiety. It should teach them that failure is survivable, not that failure is identity.
When sports become the sole source of a child's self-worth, when every game feels like an existential test, when the joy disappears and dread takes its place, something has gone wrong. Not necessarily with the child. Often with the environment, the expectations, the pressure coming from all directions.
Parents are the most powerful influence on how kids experience competition. Coaches and programs shape the culture. Together, you create the conditions where kids either thrive or struggle under pressure.
You can't eliminate performance pressure entirely. Competition inherently involves standards and outcomes. But you can keep it in proportion. You can make sure kids know they're more than their stats. You can create environments where struggle is met with support, not shame.
The mental health crisis affecting young people isn't something that happens somewhere else. It's happening on your fields, in your gyms, on your teams. Helping parents recognize it and respond well might be the most important thing you do this season.
Ian Goldberg is the CEO of Signature Media and the Editor of the largest and fastest growing sports parenting newsletter. He’s been recognized as an industry expert by the National Alliance for Youth Sports, the US Olympic Committee’s Truesport, and the Aspen Institute's Project Play. Ian is also a suburban NJ sports dad of two teenage daughters and has over 2,000 hours of volunteer time coaching them (which he calls the most fun form of R&D for his newsletter content). Ian and his team provide players, coaches, parents and program directors with the articles and content they need to have a great sports season. Ian has spent most of his career in digital product development and marketing and got his start at the White House where he worked for the economic advisors to two US Presidents.
