Let’s start with a confession: While I am a parent, coach and founder of a company that preaches best practices in sports parenting and coaching, I once actually charged the field with the intention of hurting someone (WOW it feels great to get that off my chest).
My Story
The backstory: My daughter and her U9 soccer team were shaking hands with their opponents at the end of a tough game when I witnessed one of the players from the other team elbow her in the stomach. Before my brain even had time to think, my body was already sprinting across the field. For the first 5 milliseconds I was running with a vengeance toward the little girl who had just struck my daughter. Then, thank goodness, in the blink of an eye, I changed course and charged toward the opposing coach (he was much closer to my 6’3” stature than was the 9 year old!!). By the time I got to him (in a grand total of 2 seconds after the incident), he calmly said to me, “Coach, I just saw what happened and I am going to discipline my player for her behavior.” I said “Thank you”, and walked away thinking, “What on earth had just come over me”?
Dr. Stephen Feldman, a psychologist with years of experience studying sports parents and kids, labeled my reaction as “Reflexive”; that is, involuntary and automatic, akin to flinching when an object is flying towards your face. The same biochemical and neurological mechanisms that underlie reflexive flinching underlie the aggressive behavior that sometimes is expressed by sports parents as they observe their kids on the field. A sudden, involuntary rush of adrenaline and cortisol can transform a friendly, warm, level-headed parent into a virtual menace; someone capable of saying and doing some pretty shocking things. I know this… I experienced it within myself. Considering that there is often a high level of emotion present during a youth sports game, it should be no surprise that the potential for excessive and inappropriate parental behavior is astronomical.
While Dr. Feldman and Signature Media will, in the near future, be exploring, talking, and writing about inappropriate reflexive behavior in sports parents and coaches, we’d love to hear about your experiences (or your research in this field). But for now, here’s a challenge for all of you sports parents: the next time your child gets beat on the field, gets knocked down, or loses the ball to an opponent, see if you can do and say ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. It’s a true test of self-discipline.
We’ll be sharing more of our findings with you soon.
Ian Goldberg is the CEO of Signature Media and the Editor of the largest and fastest growing sports parenting newsletter. He’s been recognized as an industry expert by the National Alliance for Youth Sports, the US Olympic Committee’s Truesport, and the Aspen Institute's Project Play. Ian is also a suburban NJ sports dad of two teenage daughters and has over 2,000 hours of volunteer time coaching them (which he calls the most fun form of R&D for his newsletter content). Ian and his team provide players, coaches, parents and program directors with the articles and content they need to have a great sports season. Ian has spent most of his career in digital product development and marketing and got his start at the White House where he worked for the economic advisors to two US Presidents.
