The Car Ride Home

The game just ended. Your kid is walking toward the car, and you've got about 30 seconds to figure out what to say.

Do you ask how they felt about their performance? Do you point out that missed play in the second half? Do you just say nothing and turn on the radio?

Here's the truth: the car ride home can either be a chance to connect with your kid and reinforce why sports matter, or it can be the moment that makes them dread getting in the car with you after every game.

So let's talk about how to get it right.

Read the Room First

Before you say anything, look at your kid. Are they buzzing with energy, or are they staring out the window in silence? Did they just have the game of their life, or did they have a rough outing?

Not every car ride needs to be a debrief. Sometimes your kid just needs space to process what happened. Sometimes they want to talk about anything except the game. And sometimes, they just want you to acknowledge that you were there without making them relive every moment.

The most important thing you can do is let your kid set the tone. If they want to talk, great. If they don't, respect that.

Here's a good rule: if your kid seems closed off or upset, start with something neutral and let them take it from there.

What to Say (And What Not to Say)

If you're going to talk about the game, here are some safe, supportive ways to start the conversation:

Things that always work:

• "I loved watching you play."
• "You had great effort out there."
• "It looked like you had fun today."
• "I loved cheering you on."

Questions that open the door without pressure:

• "Did you have fun today?"
• "What was the best part of the game?"
• "Did you learn something new today?"
• "Want to grab ice cream?"

Notice what these have in common? They focus on the experience, not the outcome. They're open-ended. And they give your kid the space to talk if they want to, or deflect if they don't.

Things to avoid:

• "Why didn't you pass to [teammate]?"
• "You looked tired out there. Are you getting enough sleep?"
• "If you had just done [specific play differently], you would have won."
• Leading with coaching or criticism before they've even processed the game

Even if you're right, even if you saw something they could improve, the car ride home is usually not the time. Let them decompress first.

Create a Positive Atmosphere (No Matter What Happened)

The car ride home sets the tone for how your kid feels about their sport. If every ride home is a critique session, they'll start dreading games. If every ride home is supportive and low-pressure, they'll keep wanting to play.

This doesn't mean you lie and say everything was perfect when it wasn't. It means you focus on what matters: effort, attitude, and growth.

Celebrate the small stuff. Acknowledge their hard work. Let them know you're proud of how they showed up, regardless of the final score.

Your kid already knows if they played well or not. They don't need you to tell them. What they need is for you to remind them that their value isn't tied to their performance.

Focus on Effort, Not Outcomes

Instead of asking, "Did you win?" try asking, "What did you do well today?"

Instead of saying, "You should have made that play," try saying, "I saw you working hard out there."

Shifting the focus from results to effort helps your kid develop a growth mindset. It teaches them that improvement matters more than perfection, and that showing up and trying hard is valuable even when things don't go their way.

Ask about specific moments where they felt good about their play. Ask where they think they could improve. Let them lead the reflection instead of imposing your observations on them.

When (and How) to Give Feedback

Sometimes your kid will ask for feedback. When that happens, give it thoughtfully.

Be specific. Instead of "You need to work on your defense," say "I noticed you were getting beat on the dribble a few times. Want to work on lateral movement drills this week?"

Focus on actions, not character. "You missed some passes today" is fine. "You weren't paying attention" feels like an attack.

Offer solutions. Don't just point out what went wrong. Suggest how they can work on it.

Ask permission first. "Do you want to talk about the game, or do you need some time?" This simple question can save you from giving unwanted feedback to a kid who's already frustrated.

And here's the most important part: if your kid doesn't want feedback, don't force it. There will be other opportunities. Pushing when they're not ready just creates resentment.

Listen More Than You Talk

The best thing you can do on the car ride home is listen. Let your kid talk about how they're feeling—excited, disappointed, frustrated, proud, whatever it is.

Validate their emotions. Don't dismiss them. If your kid says, "I played terrible," don't immediately jump in with, "No you didn't!" Instead, try, "You're being pretty hard on yourself. What didn't go the way you wanted?"

When kids feel heard, they're more likely to open up. When they feel judged or corrected, they shut down.

Your car should be a safe space where your kid can express themselves honestly without worrying that you're going to turn it into a teaching moment or lecture.

Know When to Just Get Ice Cream

Sometimes, the best post-game conversation is no conversation at all.

"Want to grab ice cream?" is a perfectly acceptable way to end a tough game. It shifts the focus away from the field and reminds your kid that they're more than just an athlete.

Some of the best car rides home involve turning on music, rolling down the windows, and just being together without rehashing every play.

Your kid will remember those moments just as much as they'll remember the big wins. Maybe more.

The Bottom Line

The car ride home is a chance to connect with your kid, reinforce why sports matter, and remind them that you're there to support them no matter what.

But it's not a mandatory debrief session. It's not a time to coach from the passenger seat. And it's definitely not the place to express your frustration about how the game went.

Read your kid. Follow their lead. Focus on effort and growth. Listen more than you talk. And when in doubt, just let them know you loved watching them play.

Because at the end of the day, that's what they'll remember: not whether you caught every mistake, but whether you made them feel supported, valued, and loved.

So buckle up. Turn on some music. And make the car ride home a place your kid actually wants to be.

 

Ian Goldberg is the CEO of Signature Media and the Editor of the largest and fastest growing sports parenting newsletter.  He’s been recognized as an industry expert by the National Alliance for Youth Sports, the US Olympic Committee’s Truesport, and the Aspen Institute's Project Play.  Ian is also a suburban NJ sports dad of two teenage daughters and has over 2,000 hours of volunteer time coaching them (which he calls the most fun form of  R&D for his newsletter content).  Ian and his team provide players, coaches, parents and program directors with the articles and content they need to have a great sports season.  Ian has spent most of his career in digital product development and marketing and got his start at the White House where he worked for the economic advisors to two US Presidents.