You're trying to be supportive. You really are.
Your kid just finished a game, and you want them to know you're proud. So you say the thing parents have been saying forever: "I'm so proud of you."
It's warm. It's loving. It comes from a good place.
And sometimes, without you realizing it, your kid hears something else entirely: don't disappoint me next time.
This isn't your fault. You're not doing anything wrong. But the way praise lands depends on more than intention. It depends on what your kid is already feeling, what they think you value, and whether the praise feels like a gift or a expectation they now have to maintain.
The good news? Small shifts in how you talk about their performance can make a big difference. Not because you need to become a child psychologist, but because some phrases build kids up while others accidentally add weight to their shoulders.
Why "I'm Proud of You" Can Feel Like Pressure
Here's the tricky thing about pride: it's about you.
When you say "I'm proud of you," you're expressing your feelings about their performance. Which is fine! You're allowed to have feelings. But from your kid's perspective, this can create a subtle equation: my parent's pride depends on how I perform.
Now they're not just playing the game. They're managing your emotions too.
Kids who hear a lot of pride-based praise often start playing tight. They avoid risks because mistakes might cost them your approval. They feel relief after wins instead of joy. They dread the car ride home after losses because they're not sure which version of you they're going to get.
None of this means you can't be proud of your kid. You absolutely can. It just means the way you express it matters more than you might think.
The Difference Between Outcome Praise and Effort Praise
Most praise falls into one of two categories.
Outcome praise focuses on results: "Great game!" "You scored twice!" "You guys crushed them!" "I'm so proud of that win."
Effort praise focuses on process: "You worked really hard out there." "I saw you hustling on defense." "You kept trying even when things weren't going your way."
Outcome praise feels good when outcomes are good. But it has a shadow side. If you only celebrate wins, goals, and great performances, your kid starts to wonder what happens when those things don't show up. Do you still see them? Are you still proud? Do they still matter?
Effort praise is more durable. It tells your kid that you're paying attention to who they are, not just what they produce. It rewards the things they can actually control (attitude, work ethic, persistence) rather than things that depend on opponents, referees, and luck.
This doesn't mean you can never mention a goal or a win. It means the ratio matters. If 90% of your praise is about outcomes, your kid learns that outcomes are what you value most.
Values Praise: The Secret Third Option
There's another kind of praise that often gets overlooked, and it might be the most powerful of all.
Values praise connects your kid's actions to the kind of person they're becoming: "That was really generous, the way you encouraged your teammate after she missed that shot." "I noticed you stayed calm when the ref made that bad call. That takes maturity." "You played hard even when you were down by a lot. That says something about your character."
This kind of praise does something special. It helps kids build an identity around their values, not their stats. They start to see themselves as someone who works hard, supports teammates, handles adversity well. And that identity sticks around long after the season ends.
What Kids Actually Want to Hear
Most kids, if you ask them, want to know two things after a game:
Did you see me? Did you enjoy watching?
That's it. Not analysis. Not correction. Not even praise, necessarily. Just presence and enjoyment.
Try this: instead of leading with evaluation ("great game" or "tough loss"), lead with connection. "That was fun to watch." "I loved being there." "You looked like you were having a good time out there."
This takes the pressure off entirely. You're not grading their performance. You're just... there. With them. Enjoying the thing they're doing.
For a lot of kids, that's worth more than any compliment.
The Car Ride Home
The car ride after a game is sacred ground. It's also a minefield.
Your kid is tired, emotional, and processing. They might want to talk. They might want silence. They almost certainly don't want a play-by-play analysis of what went wrong (or right).
A good default: say something short and warm ("I loved watching you play"), then let them lead. If they want to talk, they'll talk. If they don't, that's okay too. The car ride doesn't have to be productive. It just has to feel safe.
One phrase that works surprisingly well: "I love watching you play." Not "I loved watching you win" or "I loved watching you score." Just "I love watching you play." It tells your kid that your enjoyment isn't conditional on the outcome. You're there because you want to be, not because you're evaluating.
A Few Swaps to Try
Old habit: "I'm so proud of you!" Try instead: "You should be proud of yourself. You worked really hard."
Old habit: "Great game!" Try instead: "That looked like fun. Did you enjoy it?"
Old habit: "You scored twice!" Try instead: "I saw you creating chances and staying aggressive. That's not easy."
Old habit: "Why didn't you shoot there?" Try instead: Nothing. Seriously. Let it go.
Old habit: "You guys got robbed by that ref." Try instead: "Tough calls happen. I thought you handled it well."
These aren't scripts you have to memorize. They're just examples of shifting from outcome to effort, from your pride to their experience, from evaluation to connection.
The Long Game
Here's what this is really about: you want your kid to love sports for a long time. You want them to keep playing, keep competing, keep showing up. And the research is clear that kids who feel pressured by parental expectations burn out faster and enjoy the experience less.
The praise you offer shapes how your kid experiences the game. It can make them feel seen and supported, or it can make them feel like they're performing for your approval. The difference often comes down to a few words.
You don't have to be perfect at this. You're going to slip up and say "great game" a thousand more times. That's fine. Your kid knows you love them.
But if you can shift the ratio, even a little, toward effort and values and presence over outcomes and pride, you're giving them something valuable: the freedom to play without carrying your emotions on their back.
That's a gift. And unlike a trophy, it lasts.
Ian Goldberg is the CEO of Signature Media and the Editor of the largest and fastest growing sports parenting newsletter. He's been recognized as an industry expert by the National Alliance for Youth Sports, the US Olympic Committee's Truesport, and the Aspen Institute's Project Play. Ian is also a suburban NJ sports dad of two teenage daughters and has over 2,000 hours of volunteer time coaching them (which he calls the most fun form of R&D for his newsletter content). Ian and his team provide players, coaches, parents and program directors with the articles and content they need to have a great sports season. Ian has spent most of his career in digital product development and marketing and got his start at the White House where he worked for the economic advisors to two US Presidents.
