I’ve been coaching (and parenting) my two daughters in sports for 15 years and can attest that watching your child doubt themselves on the field is brutal. You want to help, but most of what we think builds confidence actually backfires. The good news? There are specific strategies that actually work—and understanding what quietly undermines the very thing you're trying to build.
Ancient Chinese Proverb (from 5,000 years before youth sports became an enterprise):
Sometimes the teacher can become the stumbling block
What You're Doing Wrong (Without Knowing It)
The "You're Amazing" Trap
Telling kids their work is "incredible" or that they're "so talented" feels supportive, but it's actually confidence kryptonite. Kids with low self-esteem hear this kind of praise and think, "I better not try anything harder or I'll disappoint them." They start choosing easier tasks to protect that shiny image you've built around them. Instead, get specific about what they actually did: "You kept working after that turnover" or "Your footwork improved on the second try."
Making Everything About Winning
When the family vibe becomes "win, rank, compare," anxiety shoots up and confidence crashes. Kids perform better in what researchers call "mastery climates"—environments where effort, learning, and personal improvement matter more than the scoreboard. Your sideline energy sets this tone more than you realize.
Sleep? What Sleep?
Confidence isn't just mental—tired brains process threats more intensely and recover less efficiently. When kids are running on four hours of sleep and three energy drinks, everything feels harder than it actually is. Protect those 8-10 hours like you'd protect their equipment bag.
What Actually Builds Confidence
Now for the strategies that actually work. These aren't complicated techniques that require a psychology degree—they're practical approaches you can start using today. Be consistent and focus on what your child can control rather than outcomes they can't.
1. Coach Emotions First, Skills Second
When your kid melts down after a mistake, resist the urge to immediately fix the technical problem. Instead, try the three-step loop: name it ("You look frustrated"), normalize it ("Makes sense after missing that shot"), then help them plan the next move ("What's your focus for the next play?"). Kids who learn to handle their emotions stay in games mentally, which is where confidence lives.
2. Praise the Process, Not the Person
Replace "You're a natural" with "You adjusted your approach after the first miss" or "That extra practice on your weak foot paid off." These statements connect success to things they can control, which is the foundation of genuine confidence. Save the "you're amazing" speeches for birthdays.
3. Teach the "Own It, Fix It, Next Play" Method
Confidence doesn't come from being perfect—it comes from knowing how to recover when things go sideways. After mistakes, help them run this sequence: own it ("I lost focus on that play"), fix it (one specific thing to do differently), next play (shift attention forward). Kids who master this bounce back faster and fear failure less.
4. Use Mental Rehearsal That Actually Works
Skip the long visualization sessions that feel like meditation retreats. Instead, have them picture the exact movement they want to make for 10-20 seconds, repeat it 3-5 times, and pair it with one cue word ("smooth" or "drive"). This combination of imagery and self-talk improves performance and composure under pressure, especially when it becomes a quick pregame routine.
5. Set Goals That Stick
Vague goals like "play better" are about as useful as a chocolate teapot. Help your kid set one WOOP goal per week: Wish (what they want), Outcome (why it matters), Obstacle (what might get in the way), Plan ("If X happens, then I'll do Y"). This turns hopeful thinking into concrete action plans they can actually execute when stress hits.
6. Try Values Writing (But Don't Overdo It)
Before big games or tests, have them spend 2-5 minutes writing about what matters to them and why—not sports performance, but deeper values like friendship, effort, or helping teammates. This simple exercise reduces anxiety and keeps performance steadier when stakes are high. Use it weekly, not daily, so it doesn't lose its punch.
7. Create a Mastery Climate at Home
End each week with three questions: "What did you try this week?" "What did you learn?" "What's one thing you want to test next time?" This shifts focus from how they compared to others toward what they can control—and research shows this approach leads to higher enjoyment, better self-esteem, and less anxiety about performing.
The Language That Actually Works
Words matter more than you think when it comes to building confidence. Instead of generic praise or criticism, try these phrases that focus on process and effort:
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"You stuck with it after that mistake and made the next read."
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"If [obstacle they mentioned], then [their solution]—want to set that plan now?"
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"What did you learn today that you couldn't do last week?"
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"Looks frustrated—makes sense after that call. What's your next move?"
These phrases work because they connect success to things your child can control, acknowledge their emotions without dismissing them, and keep the focus on growth rather than outcomes.
Common Pitfalls and How to Handle Anxiety
Don't jump into coaching mode immediately after tough games—brains are threat-sensitive right after disappointment, so wait until emotions settle before problem-solving. Avoid ritualized "you're incredible" praise, especially with kids who doubt themselves. Remember, confidence builds through daily small actions, not occasional motivational speeches that sound like they came from a corporate retreat.
When anxiety becomes the loudest voice in your child's head, pair "what else could this mean?" thinking with concrete action planning. Help them reframe the situation ("Maybe the coach is testing everyone's resilience") then immediately focus on what they can control ("So my plan is to keep communicating and trust my training"). Short, believable reframes work better than elaborate positive thinking sessions that nobody actually believes.
The key is teaching them to acknowledge the worry without letting it drive the bus. You can feel nervous and still execute your plan—in fact, some nerves usually mean the situation matters to them, which isn't necessarily a bad thing.
The Bottom Line
Real confidence grows when kids have ownership over their choices, clear connections between their efforts and results, and adults who coach emotions as skillfully as they coach skills. Ditch the inflated praise, install simple mental tools, and run small, consistent practices every week.
The goal isn't raising a fearless kid—it's raising one who knows what to do when fear shows up. And that's a skill set that matters long after the final whistle blows.
Ian Goldberg is the CEO of Signature Media and the Editor of the largest and fastest growing sports parenting newsletter. He’s been recognized as an industry expert by the National Alliance for Youth Sports, the US Olympic Committee’s Truesport, and the Aspen Institute's Project Play. Ian is also a suburban NJ sports dad of two teenage daughters and has over 2,000 hours of volunteer time coaching them (which he calls the most fun form of R&D for his newsletter content). Ian and his team provide players, coaches, parents and program directors with the articles and content they need to have a great sports season. Ian has spent most of his career in digital product development and marketing and got his start at the White House where he worked for the economic advisors to two US Presidents.
