I have to address the elephant in the room. I'm not a psychologist, just a sports dad and coach for two young daughters. But I think we're lying to ourselves when we tell our kids that we just want them to have fun in youth sports. If we were sincere, would there be such chaos on the sidelines and in the bleachers during games?
Could it be that what we really mean is "we want you to have fun, but while you're at it, you must learn to master skills, become a leader, achieve your goals, and be a winner"? Because, sadly, so many of us act as if failure to accomplish these things on the 5th grade travel soccer team means they'll fail at every future endeavor: high school, college, career, life.
What Kids Actually Think About Winning
A 2014 research study asked kids to rank aspects of youth sports that they consider "fun." The results might surprise you. Winning, playing in tournaments, practicing with specialty trainers, and earning medals or trophies—basically 90% of the things we as parents obsess over—ranked among the LEAST fun parts of their sports experience. These came in just slightly more fun than getting team pictures taken, which landed at #81 on the list.
So what did kids say was actually fun? Playing their best, mastering skills, building relationships with coaches and teammates, and simply being active. Notice anything? The things kids find most enjoyable are almost entirely about the process, not the outcomes we parents fixate on.
The Real-Life Dilemma
I have a daughter who genuinely loves playing sports simply because it's fun and honestly doesn't care if her team wins. That's a tough pill to swallow as a competitive parent. Frankly, I nearly lost my mind—along with every other parent on our team—when our girls lost every single game last season. The parking lot conversations after those games weren't pretty.
But here's the truth that took me far too long to accept: Thanks to soccer, I have a happy, healthy, active daughter who has built a tight bond with her teammates. She's learned how to handle defeat with grace, something that will serve her far better in life than a participation trophy ever could. She's building strong life skills both on and off the field—communication, resilience, time management, commitment.
The Uncomfortable Question We Need to Ask
Why do we struggle so much with this? If our kids are gaining all these valuable benefits from sports—fitness, friendships, discipline, joy—why does a losing season feel like failure? Maybe because somewhere along the way, youth sports stopped being about childhood development and started being about our own needs as parents.
We project our anxieties about their futures onto 10-year-olds playing recreational soccer. We worry that if they don't learn to "be winners" now, they won't succeed later. But that's not how development works. Kids don't need to win at everything to become successful adults—they need to learn how to handle both success and failure, find joy in effort, and build meaningful relationships.
What We Can Actually Control
Here's what we can do: shift our focus from outcomes we can't control (wins and losses) to processes we can influence. We can celebrate effort over results. We can ask "Did you have fun?" and "What did you learn today?" instead of "Did you win?" We can model good sportsmanship from the sidelines. We can let coaches coach without our running commentary.
When your child comes off the field after a loss, try asking about a moment they're proud of, a skill they improved, or something funny that happened during the game. You'll learn more about their experience—and they'll feel more supported—than if you launch into a postgame analysis of everything that went wrong.
The Win-Win That Was There All Along
Perhaps this dilemma between fun and winning is actually a win-win we've been missing. Kids who play for the love of the game, who build friendships and learn resilience through both victories and defeats, are developing exactly what they need for long-term success. They're learning that failure isn't fatal, that effort matters, and that joy doesn't require a trophy.
Meanwhile, we parents get the chance to raise kids who are active, healthy, socially connected, and emotionally resilient—all while enjoying a childhood pursuit that won't define their entire future, no matter how many games they win or lose this season.
So maybe the answer to "fun vs. winning" isn't choosing one over the other. Maybe it's recognizing that when kids are truly having fun—the kind of fun that comes from effort, growth, and connection—they're already winning at the things that actually matter.
Ian Goldberg is the CEO of Signature Media and the Editor of the largest and fastest growing sports parenting newsletter. He’s been recognized as an industry expert by the National Alliance for Youth Sports, the US Olympic Committee’s Truesport, and the Aspen Institute's Project Play. Ian is also a suburban NJ sports dad of two teenage daughters and has over 2,000 hours of volunteer time coaching them (which he calls the most fun form of R&D for his newsletter content). Ian and his team provide players, coaches, parents and program directors with the articles and content they need to have a great sports season. Ian has spent most of his career in digital product development and marketing and got his start at the White House where he worked for the economic advisors to two US Presidents.
