Your kid just had a rough game. Maybe they struck out three times. Maybe they missed the game-winning shot. Maybe they played their worst game of the season in front of a crowd that included college scouts.
Now they're walking toward the car, and you have about 30 seconds to figure out what to say.
Do you offer reassurance? Do you stay silent? Do you critique their performance? Do you blame the ref?
Here's the thing: what you say (or don't say) in those first few minutes can either help your kid process the experience and move forward, or make everything worse.
Dr. Kevin Chapman, a clinical psychologist and founder of The Kentucky Center for Anxiety and Related Disorders, shares strategies to help your athlete move on from a bad performance in a way that's actually productive.
START: Create a Post-Game Routine
Having a consistent ritual for after games (win or lose) can smooth over difficult moments and give your kid a sense of structure.
Set some ground rules that everyone knows ahead of time:
- Athletes are allowed to sulk for the duration of two songs on their playlist
- No complaining about the coach or teammates
- No phones in the car on the drive home
- No post-game analysis until everyone's had time to decompress
You can even have your athlete create a post-game playlist they'd prefer to listen to. And make sure there are spare snacks and water in the car after games. A hungry athlete is much more likely to be emotional.
These routines provide predictability in moments that feel chaotic.
STOP: Saying "You'll be fine"
As adults, we know one bad game won't ruin an athlete's life. But try to remember how you felt as a teenager when something went wrong. It felt like the end of the world.
"The tendency for most caregivers is that we naturally want to soothe our athletes right away," Chapman says. "We say things like, 'It's okay,' or 'You'll be fine.' But even though that's well-intentioned, it's never effective because it ignores your athlete's feelings. And often, your athlete feels invalidated and therefore resentful of you."
When you immediately jump to "You'll be fine," what your kid hears is "Your feelings don't matter" or "Stop being dramatic." That's not what you mean, but that's how it lands.
START: Normalize Their Emotions
The number one thing a parent can do is normalize the intense emotions their athlete is feeling.
"Try to get your athlete to move through their feelings so that they can really begin to decompress and then make rational assessments," Chapman says.
Moving through feelings doesn't mean letting your athlete throw a temper tantrum or direct their anger at you in the car. It's okay for them to vent or cry, but they aren't allowed to act disrespectfully toward you, their friends, siblings, or anyone on their team.
It means acknowledging that what they're feeling is real and valid: "I can see you're really upset right now. That makes sense—that was a tough game."
STOP: Forcing Them to Talk
Often, parents try to force their athlete to open up about how they're feeling with the best of intentions. But sometimes, the athlete simply needs a few moments of silence.
"You can tell your athlete that you're available to talk when they're ready, but try not to push them," Chapman says. "Pushing your athlete to talk to you can trigger them even more and make them feel worse. Parents need to allow athletes to be autonomous. Prying and pushing is going to make the athlete even less likely to want to share their feelings."
Let them sit in silence if that's what they need. Turn on their playlist. Drive. They'll talk when they're ready.
START: Ask the Right Questions (If They're Ready to Talk)
If your athlete is willing to talk, don't offer advice right away. Instead, ask thoughtful questions and actually listen to their answers.
"Parents can help their athletes move toward asking themselves what they learned from competition, rather than what went wrong," says Chapman.
Try asking:
- "What did you learn today?"
- "What went well?"
- "What would you do differently next time?"
Let your athlete come up with two or three bullet points about things they did well or not so well. This shifts the focus from dwelling on failure to identifying lessons and next steps.
START: Separate Their Identity From Their Performance
The best way to help your athlete come to terms with a bad performance is to help them separate their identity from their outcomes.
"It's important for athletes to understand that their performance is not the same thing as their identity," Chapman says.
Help your athlete develop a learning mentality where they're able to take information and lessons from bad games without seeing it as a reflection on their self-worth.
You can ask questions like:
- "What's the evidence that this performance means you aren't any good?"
- "What's another explanation for your performance?"
These questions help them think critically instead of spiraling into negative self-talk.
STOP: Complaining About the Coach, Teammate, Referee, or Other Team
Parents can do more harm than good when they try to sympathize with their athletes by complaining about a call the umpire made, a play the coach suggested, or the way a teammate passed the ball.
"Parents need to be very conscientious about what they say to their kids," says Chapman. "Complaining about the coach, for example, models a negative interaction for the athlete and puts them in an adversarial position with their coach. Even if you disagree with something that a coach may have done, don't bring it up."
Venting about refs, coaches, or teammates might feel like you're being supportive, but it actually teaches your kid to blame others instead of focusing on what they can control.
START: Remind Them of the Consequences (Especially on Social Media)
Athletes now have immediate access to their friends and social media via their smartphones, and in the heat of the moment after a bad game, it's easy to send a post that bashes the coach or a teammate without thinking.
If your athlete is sitting in the car frantically typing on their phone, suggest they take a pause. Or create an overarching rule that there are no phones in the car post-game, whether it goes well or not.
"Start by saying, 'I know that you're having intense emotions, but I would be very conscious of how you respond to them. I would take a break from anything, including your phone, and I would highly encourage you just to allow yourself to think,'" says Chapman. "At a minimum, remind your athlete that impulsive posting could have consequences."
A poorly worded tweet or Instagram story can damage relationships with coaches and teammates in ways that are hard to repair.
STOP: Equating Losing With No Reward
A big win or a great game should have a special reward, like picking up takeout at a favorite restaurant on the way home. But every competition should have some kind of ritual attached, regardless of how it goes.
"I am a fan of reinforcing great performances in special ways, but I do think that there needs to be a consistent after-competition ritual regardless of the outcome," says Chapman. "Small rewards like stopping for a milkshake on the way home should be tied to solid effort during the competition, not if they scored a certain number of points."
If you only celebrate wins, your kid learns that their value is tied to the scoreboard. If you celebrate effort regardless of outcome, they learn that showing up and trying hard matters more than results.
The Bottom Line
The car ride home after a bad game is tricky. Your kid is upset, you want to help, and it's easy to say the wrong thing without meaning to.
Here's what works:
- Create consistent post-game routines so your kid knows what to expect
- Normalize their emotions instead of dismissing them
- Give them space if they need it instead of forcing conversation
- Ask thoughtful questions that focus on learning, not dwelling
- Help them separate their identity from their performance
- Avoid complaining about coaches, refs, or teammates
- Remind them to pause before posting on social media
- Celebrate effort, not just wins
Your kid will reflect your behavior. If you handle bad games with grace, perspective, and a focus on growth, they'll learn to do the same.
So buckle up, turn on their playlist, and remember: you're not just driving them home. You're teaching them how to handle adversity.
Ian Goldberg is the CEO of Signature Media and the Editor of the largest and fastest growing sports parenting newsletter. He’s been recognized as an industry expert by the National Alliance for Youth Sports, the US Olympic Committee’s Truesport, and the Aspen Institute's Project Play. Ian is also a suburban NJ sports dad of two teenage daughters and has over 2,000 hours of volunteer time coaching them (which he calls the most fun form of R&D for his newsletter content). Ian and his team provide players, coaches, parents and program directors with the articles and content they need to have a great sports season. Ian has spent most of his career in digital product development and marketing and got his start at the White House where he worked for the economic advisors to two US Presidents.
